Rebuilding Yourself After 11 Years

Rebuilding yourself after it’s over is hard.
11 years…
Not legally married, but assuming all the responsibilities of a wife.

People don’t understand what it’s like.
They try and offer comfort,
How do you comfort someone who just had her whole life scrambled into pieces? 

How do you rebuilt an identity when the biggest part of you
no longer is with you?

I know a lot about having to rebuild youself.
Waking the day after the storm,
Still dialing his number, that you so gracefully memorised ages ago.

How do you eat the same breakfast that you made him every morning for the past five years?
How do you sleep in a bed knowing his body is no longer there to press your cold feet against his warm surface.
How do you have movie nights after work, and beg him to pop the popcorn while you open the bottle of wine?
How do you stare at your reflexion the same mirror you brushed your teeth alongside him?

Short answer?

You skip breakfast every morning.
You sleep with socks on and cuddled up to a pillow.
You no longer like popcorn, and the wine bottle is replaced with hot chocolate with six marshmallows and low-fat whipped cream.
You move to a new apartment. Smaller, but more you.
Avoiding the thoughts of him completely
Until one day, the thought of him no longer matters.
Because one day,
On a sunday morning, you will wake up at the crack of dawn
See the way the sunrays illuminate your kitchen
And you will wonder if your tiny apartment has always been this beautiful.
And only then, after all these years, you will realize
It was you.
It was never about him, or them.
My love, the story was always about you.

A Much Needed Traveling Break

I am sick again. A fever.
Always between 39-40C°

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Photo by Lisa Fotios on Pexels.com

The not-so-glamerous behind the scene of a serial traveller.

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Photo by Saif Selim on Pexels.com

Seeing the world for what it is is amazing and all, but health comes first.

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Photo by Tranmautritam on Pexels.com

Silver linning:
I get to catch up on writing,
Catch up on school work,
Catch up on health detox,
And most importantly recharge.
Recharge for my next adventure.

adult backpack blur business
Photo by Fabrizio Verrecchia on Pexels.com

I’ll be back.
Have fun. Stay Curious.
– Tia ✨

Be That Woman…

Be the woman who can be alone.

 

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The kind that is so comfortable with her lonely,  it takes a great man to question whether or not she should leave that behind.

Hold on to your friends.
Be dependent and independent all at once.
Figure out what makes your heart race, and my love, go for it.
Chase it with all you have, because those are the moments we live for.

Learn to stand on your own. Like a child learning to walk.
Fall.
Get up
Fall again
Just so you can learn to get back up.

 

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My darling
Never be afraid of falling.
Whether it is in love or in life,
Be brave…
Only the brave inspire the world.
Mark history.

Don’t let men treat you like toys,
Or a question,
Or THE answer.

 

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Don’t let yourself be defined by a man,
Hell
By anyone actually.

Don’t be afraid to get hurt.
Turn your pain into art,
Or lessons,
Or both.

Or nothing.
Do nothing.
Do all of these, or do nothing.
That too
Is ok.

 

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click on the image for the photographers Instagram. 

 

Whatever it is you do decide to do,
Make sure you did it to make yourself happy at some point.
People forget that sometimes.
To be happy.
Never forget that.

Be happy love…
As much and as often as you can.
Always
Be
Happy.

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Dear 25 Years Old Me..

Traditionally speaking I was supposed to write this letter latest yesterday.. but preferably the day before D-day. I’m sorry I was late. Somehow my heart and my brain feels conflicted. I understand why too, I mean in one year I went from having nothing to having it all and some part of me simply can’t adjust to that.

23 years old me went through a lot. She started the year at the very bottom.

Let’s reflect on this shall we:
The day after I turned 23 I got operated. I handed complete control to a team of strangers that were going to fix me. The surgery was sucessfull.. or so a thought. Due to health issues a couple of weeks laters.. I missed my exam, this meant that I was forced into the X-klass. My finatial situation was bad. Really.. really bad. My friend circle was bad. Really… really bad. And i was in the middle of freeing myself from Ebola, the man I thought I was going to be with for the rest of my life, but turns out was the serpent venom I needed an antidote from. His story… his story is one that I need to address to on it’s own post, but for now just know.. it was hard. Still to this day.. everything with him is hard.

Things started to turn around when I applied for my first credit card. 50k right there to help me out in times of needs and all of a sudden, money became less of a burden for me to carry.
But my habits where still bad. I was buying food outside all the time and all the drinking and parying didnt make things easier. I needed to clean my habbits. This happened when I walked away from one of my closest friend. lets call her Bloom. Bloom was a really good friend, and to this day I am so greateful to her, because without her I wouldn’t of made it through all the things that has happened.. but she can also be a little toxic and I was already suffering because of Ebola.

Cleaning up my habits and changing my ways of focus was the best thing I could of done. I started cooking more. I started working out more and before I knew I did the best thing I could of ever done for my heart.. I booked a solo-trip to Tallinn Estonia.

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Tallinn was amazing. You truly don’t know what you are capable of doing before you take a solo trip somewhere. Tallinn put things into perspective for me. It cleared all the mess in my head and to be honest… it gave me confidence. Confidence to be alone. Confidence to conquere my fears. I have realised that I am a very fearful person. Somehow I always assume something is going to go wrong. True bravery is knowing that the possibility of something going wrong could happen and still doing it anyways. I had a million worries there. Specially since I didn’t speak the language.. couldn’t understand my surroundings and despite all of that I still went out and I walked. I walked for a hundred years. I explored. I nurtured my curriosity and my heart. The girl that came back home to Norway wasn’t the same the one that left. I became someone else. Travelling does that to you sometimes.

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From that point on my life had good moments and bad moments, but things where for once – not all bad. which brings me to today. The now. The present.

Dear 25 years old me, you already learned how brave you are. You know your strength and you certainly bleed your weakness out. It’s time for you to sharpen your skills.

Bilderesultat for square bullet point  TAKE SIX SOLO TRIPS
Princess.. nurture your soul. There is so much of the world to see. So many people to meet, be open minded. Go and get your heart broken somewhere you don’t know. Go fall and scrap your knees, then get up and do the walk. Do this at least every two month. My love.. you are young. Go live a little.

Bilderesultat for square bullet point STUDY YOUR HEART OUT
Your dream is to become an expert in drugs. You want to be able to look at a drug and know exactly whats wrong with the person. Hell, you want to be so good at it that you are able to tell that the doc made a mistake. You my love are smart. Get studying. Study as if all this information is your oxygen. Don’t study to pass the test. Study because you will be the only thing in between life and death for a patient someday. Study because you can make a difference.

Bilderesultat for square bullet point BE MORE CLEAN AND ORGANIZED
Shave. Not because someone will touch you but because you touch yourself and you like it better this was. Take time to groom yourself. Do your nails.. do your lashes. You are beautiful, treat yourself as such. Get that perfum you love and wear it. Wear it so much that whenever people smell it they automatically will remember your presense.

Bilderesultat for square bullet point LEARN TO SAVE
For the really bad times. Save your money. For the times someone will need your help. Save some money. For that two story house with that small garden you’ve always wanted save. And if not for all of that, save because you want to go to that five star ressort.

Bilderesultat for square bullet point BE COSER TO GOD
Rebuild your relationship with God. Let him be the only man you need. The only love you crave. Let him take the wheel and guide you through life. God is good and mercyfull. Let him shower you with all his glory for you are a gods child.

 

There you go, dear 25 years old me. Let’s make all of this happen because it’s time to live a little more.. each day.

With love
BabyTia

 

AN OPEN LETTER TO MY BESTFRIEND

Hi,

How is life? I truly hope you passed your exams.

Me? I am doing alright. I have decided a lot of things.

I have decided that maybe I will not make it. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to protect my dreams on my own. That’s okai. I have decided that maybe I do work too much. I don’t know why.. perhaps it is because I need the constant exhaustion to numb my heart a little. That’s also alright. I have decided that I am truly a too nice of a person. I let people walk all over my feelings all the time. It has become such a constant action that when people don’t walk all over me I find any reason to walk away anyways. That too is okai.

I have decided that yes, walking away from people is my hobby. And that’s okai too. I have decided that maybe friendship and companionship perhaps is not for everyone. Maybe when my soul got broken ages ago, my whole being just decided that perhaps it was for the better. Perhaps me being whole was too much for the universe to handle. I mean imagine – when I am just so little and I feel so much maybe it’s just okai that I am not more. I don’t think I could possibly handle to feel more.. and that is okai.

I have decided that I am sorry. I am sorry that you got to know my story and still couldn’t understand what was left of me. It is not your fault. It is mine. I should of known better. when people are in the supermarket, shopping for fruits they choose the most beautiful apple. A whole and bright one. Not a rotten, half eaten one. I’m sorry I couldn’t disguise myself to be more appealing to you or to anyone. Sometimes, that’s okai too.

I have decided that all of this is okai. I have finally understood that maybe I am just meant to live through life alone, and away from people. Thank you for teaching me that it is not the people around me the problem.. that it was me all along. That my inability to tolerate pain forces me to stay the way I am. Funny how all this time we were blaming all these people who did all this awful things to me and how we praised me for not being broken.

I have decided that perhaps I am broken. Just not the traditional way. Maybe I am a whole new genre of broken. Maybe I am part of this new era of broken hearts. The evolution. Undetected from the outside, but so so fragile on the inside.

I have decided that that too is okai.

I’m sorry that this is not what we both had hoped for, but I am sure you can understand that I need to take care of the last remaining piece of my heart. I, my friend, am not okai. I have decided that one day I will be okai, but today is not that day.

So please, shine as the brightest start in the sky as you already do.
I have decided to watch you from afar. It’s the safest for everyone.
and that too is okai.

 

With all my love,

Baby Tia 💋

The Great Comeback!

Or so I hope…

Hi friends, after what seems the longest period of amnesia, I am officially back.

Hopefully this time I’ll stick around.

None the less I have plenty of new adventures and drama to share.

This past year my life has been spiralling out of control. I have discovered new friends, new interests and new hobbies. I have been working my ass off as a part timer, studying my brains fried, and now I am trying to add love into this whole mess.

One busy lady I’ve become. I swear I hardly recognise myself anymore.

Have fun reading my mischievous adventures,

Love BabyTia 💋

Sensuality

Sensuality. What does it mean to be sensual?

sensuality
sɛnʃʊˈalɪti/
noun
  1. the enjoyment, expression, or pursuit of physical, especially sexual, pleasure.
    “he ate the grapes with surprising sensuality”
    synonyms: sexiness, sexual attractiveness, voluptuousness, sultriness, seductiveness, passion;More
    • the condition of being pleasing or fulfilling to the senses.
      “life can dazzle with its sensuality, its colour”

     

 

Today I had a thought.

While observing all kinds of people coming in and out of my shop, I toyed with the idea of what makes a  person ‘sensual’.

My mind quickly came up with an image of a woman  with long hair, slightly curly – black. With light skin and rosy cheeks. A slim figure, and dressed crossing the line of innocence and sultriness.

At some point this woman walks in.

She was short.  Tan skin and lovely blue eyes. Not a drop of make up on her face, she was natural and walked with such grace you had to take a moment and stare. I remember her particular way of looking around with such childlike curiousity. It made me reconsider my original opinion.

This woman was every bit sensual, yet looked nothing like my fantasy.

This woman looked everything like my fantasy.

Sometimes, we picture something, but in reality – it’s much greater.

This woman was secure. Comfortable in her own skin.
It’s seems like her she walked into my shop not caring what anybody thought of her.

What is sensuality?

I can’t tell you for sure, but I will tell you that this woman is on to something.