How is life? I truly hope you passed your exams.
Me? I am doing alright. I have decided a lot of things.
I have decided that maybe I will not make it. Maybe I wasn’t strong enough to protect my dreams on my own. That’s okai. I have decided that maybe I do work too much. I don’t know why.. perhaps it is because I need the constant exhaustion to numb my heart a little. That’s also alright. I have decided that I am truly a too nice of a person. I let people walk all over my feelings all the time. It has become such a constant action that when people don’t walk all over me I find any reason to walk away anyways. That too is okai.
I have decided that yes, walking away from people is my hobby. And that’s okai too. I have decided that maybe friendship and companionship perhaps is not for everyone. Maybe when my soul got broken ages ago, my whole being just decided that perhaps it was for the better. Perhaps me being whole was too much for the universe to handle. I mean imagine – when I am just so little and I feel so much maybe it’s just okai that I am not more. I don’t think I could possibly handle to feel more.. and that is okai.
I have decided that I am sorry. I am sorry that you got to know my story and still couldn’t understand what was left of me. It is not your fault. It is mine. I should of known better. when people are in the supermarket, shopping for fruits they choose the most beautiful apple. A whole and bright one. Not a rotten, half eaten one. I’m sorry I couldn’t disguise myself to be more appealing to you or to anyone. Sometimes, that’s okai too.
I have decided that all of this is okai. I have finally understood that maybe I am just meant to live through life alone, and away from people. Thank you for teaching me that it is not the people around me the problem.. that it was me all along. That my inability to tolerate pain forces me to stay the way I am. Funny how all this time we were blaming all these people who did all this awful things to me and how we praised me for not being broken.
I have decided that perhaps I am broken. Just not the traditional way. Maybe I am a whole new genre of broken. Maybe I am part of this new era of broken hearts. The evolution. Undetected from the outside, but so so fragile on the inside.
I have decided that that too is okai.
I’m sorry that this is not what we both had hoped for, but I am sure you can understand that I need to take care of the last remaining piece of my heart. I, my friend, am not okai. I have decided that one day I will be okai, but today is not that day.
So please, shine as the brightest start in the sky as you already do.
I have decided to watch you from afar. It’s the safest for everyone.
and that too is okai.
With all my love,
Baby Tia 💋